I kid you not!

O.K., just a pause here.  Following my recent blog of suggested film role revivals, an actual one (which I learned of on NPR, so I put credence in it) is in the works which will stop    you    in    your    tracks.  

There is currently, in the works, a new movie version of The Three Stooges.  Yes.  The role of Curly (heavy-set with crew cut) is slated to be played by Jim Carey.  Hmmm.  There's more:  In a bizarre career move, Larry, the wiry-haired mild-mannered one, is to be played by Sean Penn.  SEAN PENN!  Last, but not least, Benecio Del Toro as Moe.  I kid you not!

Lordy, lordy, what is goin' on?

Well, I know this has nothing to do with the Bible, but once in awhile you faithful readers, and I, need a comic break.  So, enjoy the very images that my report conjures.

Judging Judges

“In those days, Israel had no king.” This is the refrain for the remainder of Judges (Yes, dear reader, we are still in Judges).

The remainder of Judges revolves around a most disturbing anecdote that is a weird re-run of Lot. I mean, it’s almost like someone recycled a story from Genesis. (And remember, we are beyond the first 5 books which constitute the Torah, so my presumption is that we are into new authorship.).

Here’s the scene: A man offers hospitality to two travelers who otherwise would spend the night on the town’s square (In Genesis they were angels). Men from town surround his home demanding they come out to play, that is, have sex with them. (Sounding familiar?) Host says no to such a horrible thing, and offers instead his virgin daughter and the visitor’s concubine (also his daughter) to do with them what they will. [At this point in Lot’s story, the two angels protect him from these people and begin Lot’s rescue] Now the visiting man throws his concubine to the men who rape and abuse her all night. In the morning, he takes her lifeless body (not clear if she is dead or not), carts her home and once there cuts her into 12 pieces, sending them to all areas of Israel. When he is to explain himself, he alters the story to let on the men wanted to kill him and lays all blame on them. The tribes unite to seek vengeance against this Benjamite sect of the Israelites.

Now, I will spare you many details, but war by the numbers ensues. With only a few hundred Benjamite soldiers left, the rest of the Israelites realize since they have killed all their people and the Benjamites must have heirs. SO, they go to another tribe, kill every man and every woman who is not a virgin, steal the virgins, take them to Shiloh for the Bs. But there weren’t enough, so they went to another village that was having a festival and instructed the surviving Benjamites to each grab a virgin while she’s dancing, for his own. So they did.

“In those days Israel had no king; every one did as he saw fit.”

I’ll say!

Confession #74 “…every one did as HE saw fit.” What about what SHE saw fit? Where does this bible speak to me, for me, about me, oh daughter of Eve? All I know is, I cannot wait to get to the next Book – Ruth!

Samson Part II

Samson becomes known for his great physical strength after having to prove it over and over. He falls in love with Delilah and the Philistines bribe her to find out the source of his strength so they can subdue him. So, get this – she entreats Samson, “Tell me the secret of your great strength and how you can be tied up and subdued.” Well, duh. Would you tell her? So he keeps giving her bogus answers which prove false every time the Philistines then try them. Delilah keeps saying what a fool he has made of her, and the scenario keeps repeating.

She tells him, “How can you say you love me when you won’t confide in me?” HaHa. Quite the nerve, that woman, when she continually betrays him for pieces of silver!

“She nagged him day after day until he was tired to death.” He finally tells her the truth that “If my head were shaved my strength would leave me, and be as weak as any other man.

As he slept in her lap, she called a man over to shave his seven braids of hair and his strength, indeed, left him. “But he did not know that the Lord had left him.” This seems like an odd remark here.

“The Philistines seized him, gouged out his eyes, bound him with bronze shackles and set him to grinding in prison.” But his hair began to grow again. Uh, yea.

The Philistines subject him to performing for them. He is smart enough to not reveal that by now with his hair grown back his great strength has returned. He positions himself between two pillars of the temple and with his bare hands brings down the temple and the thousands of Philistines with him. “Thus he killed many more when he died than when he lived.

Unless my bible is terribly inaccurate, Mr. DeMille took the usual perogative of making changes for the movie. In his version, Delilah is the sister of Samson’s bride (played by Angela Lansbury – yes, of Murder, She Wrote) and her bringing down Samson is out of revenge since she blames him for sis’s murder. And of course, one sentence in the bible describing Samson’s bare-handed struggle with a lion, makes for very dramatic scenes on screen. And an orgy is thrown in the mix somewhere.

Watching the trailer, which I tried to share here but won't work, makes me want to see this classic movie again. (But then, I am a nut for old movies.)

Confession #71: I am not sure what lesson is to be learned from this tale. Again, we see a worthy man brought down by a woman. Don’t trust a woman with your secrets? Never tell your lover the source of your strength? Don’t cut your hair, men!

Confession #72: I love men with long hair.

Confession #73: Delilah is a wicked, wicked woman for betraying her lover’s trust.

Confession #74: Once I get through this whole bible thing, I am going to rent and watch every Bible movie made. I will smile at all I now understand, roll my eyes where Hollywood has botched things, and try to imagine my favorite actors in today’s renditions. Vin Diesel as Samson (made ya look), Uma Thurman as Delilah, Alan Rickman as Moses, Johnny Dep as Gideon, Daniel Day Lewis as Abraham, Salma Hayek as Deborah, Ed Harris as Noah, Hugh Jackman as Adam, Cate Blanchett as Eve, Kevin Spacey as, uh, I don’t know, but I’ll find some place for him. Oh well, it’s fun to ponder.

Care to weigh in on your role picks??

You're welcome.

Samson

During one of the infinitesimal battles, Abimelech ( who had murdered his SEVENTY brothers!) approaches a tower to storm it. A woman overhead drops a millstone on his head and cracks his skull. He hurriedly calls to his armor-bearer, saying, “Draw your sword and kill me so they can’t say a woman killed me.”

Again the Israelites did evil in the eyes of the Lord so the Lord delivered them into the hands of the Philistines for forty years. That number again!

We are about to relay the story of Samson’s birth. Yea! I love it when we come to anything in the Bible that I can relate to visually, thanks to Cecil B. DeMille and other early film directors! Victor Mature as Samson. Ooh, yum. Hedy Lamarr as Delilah. Early hottie. So follow along with the real story.

A man appears to Samson’s mother who up till now has been childless, and tells her she is going to be pregnant, so to stop drinking fermented drink. Stop there. Isn’t it amazing how early on we knew of these dangers (not the 1970s). Anyway, his parents accept this man as an angel of God after he evaporates in a flame.

Following this auspicious beginning, Samson’s is a life fraught with challenges. As a young man he is confronted by a charging lion, which he destroys with his bare hands. He returns later to the carcass to find bees in it. Scooping up honey from the lion’s belly, on he goes. His father arranges for a marriage to a lady Samson fell for and at the traditional bridegroom’s feast (original bachelor party?) he is “given” 30 companions to whom he gives the following riddle and promise of clothes if they can answer it before his wedding: 

“Out of the eater, something to eat,
 Out of the strong, something sweet.”

They threaten his intended for the answer, she begs him for answer for entire 7 days of wedding feast, he won’t tell her, she won’t stop crying, he finally gives in, she tells her whole tribe the answer.
“What is sweeter than honey?
 What is stronger than the lion?”
Ah! The original Jeopardy where question is the answer!

Samson said to them, “If you had not plowed with my heifer, you would not have solved my riddle!” Ouch to them. Double ouch to his heifer – er – his fiancé. (“Plowed with” hmmm, that’s a new one.)

Samson was so mad he struck down 30 of her people and went home.

Later when he returns to see his wife, her father says, "Gee I thought you didn’t want her, I gave her to someone else. How about her sister; she’s better looking anyway.” Samson then goes berserk and destroys much of the village’s vineyards. So the Philistines killed his bride and her father. So Samson slaughtered many of them. So the Philistines had him taken prisoner and he was bound. But the power of the Lord came over him and by his strength, with the jawbone of an ass he struck a thousand men down.

And Samson led the Israelites for 20 years (that’s half of 40).

Confession #70: We women do have a nasty way of needling, crying, pleading to get our way. Have I ever used tears as a ploy? Hmmm… this is called Confessions…uh…yep. But I find the older and less helpless I feel, the less I resort to such despicable tactics. I now consider it beneath me. Right, honey?

NEXT:  Delilah

What God May Come

So, let’s return to Gideon, briefly.

Gideon builds an altar to the Lord with the inscription, The Lord is Peace. Let’s think about this. Does the evidence support this so far? So far? So far, no. So far, God has directed, commanded and led man into war over and over. The Old Testament has been a bloody story up to now. So, does Gideon’s inscription mean God is for peace, or God is the way to peace, or knowing God is knowing peace? And, both before and after Gideon’s altar, he is surrounded by and instrumental in a brutal, warring environment. What would lead Gideon to make such a paradoxical pronouncement?

Later, Jesus (I know, I’m not supposed to jump) will call himself the Prince of Peace, yet more wars have been fought and people killed in the direct or indirect “name” of Jesus.

With all the direct words attributed to God to this point, we have not seen phrases of peace, harmony, balance with nature or the universe. A god of peace we have not seen.

So, here’s something to mull over (best done with mulled wine…): What if God is whatever you think He is? If you see Him as a vengeful, judgmental decider, play life safe. If you see Him as a wise parent who loves unconditionally, then work to learn His lessons now. If, as my husband does, you see God as a large, dynamic, black woman, love her with all the gusto ya got.

This customized view of reality can even be extended to the afterlife – whatever you expect it to be will be. A one-way ticket to the judgment of Heaven or Hell? A journey where each may make his way to bliss, learning from or paying for actions on Earth? A place where we will meet departed loved ones? A new earthly paradise much like that depicted in the novel/movie, What Dreams May Come?

Perhaps the profile of God as seen in the new Testament serves those people for their culture and time. Their God is rigid and strategic and brutal because they are.

Do we reflect God or does God reflect us?

Confession #66: It seems to me that war, killing, destruction is Man at his worst, not a god at his best.

Confession #67: I choose a God of Love and Peace who will blow me away with new dimensions to those concepts.